So many things are going through my mind as I type each sentence, each word out. There are consequences for sharing things on the Internet, because it gets you unwanted attention, from unwanted people. I'm in no way to brag about having a large following of people, awaiting my next Blog post or next productive Tweet. But someone out there is always watching. And I hope this someone is her.
People go through hardships in life, it's totally normal. You have down times, sad times, fun times, and everything in between. At times you just want to ponder on the existence of all humanity and the purpose on being on Earth (unless you're a seriously religious person, then you might have that figured out in your own specific context), other times you just want to enjoy every second of every day that's gifted to you, because time is precious, and so is life.
I've been through the extremely lows like literally giving up on God, giving up on family, and never trusting anyone but myself ever again. I still do stick to some of them, and hopefully I'll be able to change that mindset soon. Just when I thought all things were going downhill, she came into my life.
What started off as a normal introduction, to spending time and getting to know each other ~ to the late night phone calls , to traveling together , the first date , prom night , becoming official, and the fights - time has flown by extremely fast. It seemed as though yesterday was the very first day she came into college and introduced herself.
I'm not a love expert ~ nor am I a genie at this sort of things, but I try my best. Never have I said to myself that "I would change my own self for this particular person, because that person's who I live for". I've never been in a relationship before, and she has extremely high expectations from someone who's just barely standing on his own two feet in this sort of situation. It's like attempting to run even before you're able to stand. It's hard, but I've kept quiet about it. I change, I improve, I improvise ~ or at least I try.
It's too early to think about settling down and whatnot , as I'm still studying and barely earning anything to support myself, let alone a second person in my life. But as fate comes along, you'll meet the one you've been searching for your entire life. And regardless of their flaws, you still cherish them for all that they are. And that's what I feel like when I'm in love.
Sleeping on the beanbag , watching videos on her phone, playing games on her phone/ laptop, eating ~ I love everything about her. She's not perfect, but regardless ~ I love her. I couldn't continue lying to myself as I saw her laying down in the hospital bed, so close to death ~ as my heart shattered into a million pieces on the thought of losing a friend, and little did I know , my girlfriend. Being a guy, you're told to contain your tears or else you don't look manly, and you're vulnerable. But I don't care, I cried for her, because at that moment, I knew how I really felt.
She got better, I got extremely happy - and we bonded even more. I don't ever , ever want to see her suffer the way that she suffered again, which is why I do everything in my power to make her happy. I can't buy her luxurious things, but she doesn't want items. She wants my company, she wants me by her side ~ and I do try to deliver as much as I can, as often as I can. I'm the guy that requires his daily dose of playing video games right after college with his mates, but I'll gladly spend more time with her if that's what she wants. It's hard, like quitting cigarettes - and I've never smoked in my life.
She loves me for the way I am, my size , my height, my introverted personality - and I thank God for her. She complains about how imperfect she is most of the time, but I've never looked at that aspect of things. She could be 99% imperfect, but I'd love her more than ever for that 1% of perfection in her, and that's how much she means to me.
Dealing with family breakups, temporary isolation from everyone, having my faith in God being shattered before me, because my weak self couldn't stand the pressure of belief no longer - it turned me into a stone cold , hollow and shallow human being. I care little about the people around me, no matter how close they are to me. In life, you can have friends and family, but they're only temporary. They come and go, and I've prepared myself for the worst possible outcome on anything that would happen to me and the people closest to me in the years to come. But never in my wildest dreams did I prepare myself to learn to love again.
I picture myself as a bird with a broken wing, just awaiting to fly again , and God ~ I need help. She's changed me in so many ways in the short time that we've been together, and I can't thank her enough for proving to myself that I can learn to love again, no matter how shattered and broken I think I am.
The main topic about this post would be address the problem we had. I don't know who screwed up, but I'd like to think that it was my fault, because I've been a disappointment to everyone so, why change? You have mood swings, and it's hard being me, having to figure out what to do to make you smile. If I approach you, you'll tell me to walk away. When I do, I worry that you're getting angrier at me. I can't play that kind of game anymore.
Be honest with me, as I've been honest with you. I've told you about my past, my fears, my aspirations, my goals, what I would regret the most in life, and what I'm most thankful for ~ and right now, it's you. If you're reading this, yes ~ you matter to me, more than you think. As I thought about what happened earlier, the past that I so want to forget hit me like a tornado, and I started crying. I couldn't see you get hurt because of my actions, or because of something that you're not sharing ~ and I'm not someone to pester someone else about sharing their issues with me, because that isn't my specialty.
You called me over and over, and I couldn't answer the phone ~ as much as I wanted to. Picking it up and hearing you sobbing on the other side of the line, hurt me even more. Right beside my mom, you're the one I don't want to hurt, I can't hurt. You gave me an infinity in such a short amount of time, and no 'thank you' in the world is enough to show how grateful I am for you being in my life. I should have said something, but I was scared. You were crying, and I started crying myself. I don't know what happened, but the line cut off, and it all went silent.
You ask a lot of me, and I try to deliver. I don't ask anything in return not because I expect you to know what I want, but it's because I don't know what I want. You don't have to do anything for me ~ you've done a lot of things for me without actually realizing it. You were just discharged from the hospital, but you made it to meet me and supported me while I was organizing my event last semester. You even made food for me ~ which I didn't finish and I'm sorry about that. You told me that I could do anything if I believed in myself, and you pushed me to start believing. You persuaded me to let out all my worries and feelings to you, and it's been a forever and a eternity since I've ever shared my problems with someone else.
I have an idea on what I want from you from now on, and that's to be honest with me on how you feel. Don't leave me in the dust, figuring out what I should do to make you smile, because it's not only saddening, it's painful. You mention a lot on how I treat you like a Queen while I don't get treated like a King, about how you're undeserving of me, among others - but that doesn't matter. Whatever I do for you is sincere, whether you like it or not. You can spit on my face, reject me with everything you've got , I'll take it. If it makes you happier, I'll leave your life and you'll never hear from me again. That's how far I'm willing to go to make you happy, to see you smile.
If you're sad, just tell me. Open up, share. If you're happy, tell me that too.
Getting your friend to message me in place of yourself is an okay gesture , but not the one I want. I want to hear from you, not from anyone else. I want you to be open with me, as much as it might hurt you to open up your heart. I've repeated this a lot, but I just want to see you happy, and that will make myself happy.
I want to patch things up before things get out of control, and I don't want this relationship to end up like the one that Ridhwan and Nicole had ~ which was absolutely toxic.
Even if you don't even read this , or didn't make it to this line (but others did) , don't hide from your partner. Open up to them, because they do care about you, even though they do not know how to express it in a loving way. It could be in other forms like being good company, buying things for you ~ but they do love you, and that's what you need to realize.
ᴵ'ᵐ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵇᵒᵗʰᵉʳᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ ᶜʰᵉᶜᵏ ᶠᵒʳ ᵍʳᵃᵐᵐᵃᵗⁱᶜᵃˡ ᵃⁿᵈ ˢᵖᵉˡˡⁱⁿᵍ ᵉʳʳᵒʳˢ ⁱⁿ ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵖᵒˢᵗ, ᵃˢ ᴵ ʲᵘˢᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ˢʰᵃʳᵉ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵖᵒᵘʳ ᵒᵘᵗ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ᵇᵉᵉⁿ ᵍᵒⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʰʳᵒᵘᵍʰ ᵐʸ ᵐⁱⁿᵈ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ⁹ ᵖᵐ ᵘⁿᵗⁱˡ ⁿᵒʷ.
