"If only I knew how to counter my demons" I said to myself, pondering over what it would be like if I had done things differently or said things differently. What would it be if I focused on myself, instead of others. What would it be, if I let go?

So many of us tackle our own specific demons inside, not knowing that the key to the problem could just be right in front of you. They say time heals and mends a broken heart, but it doesn't reverse the cracks and scars that a single experience leaves you. What if you had absolute control over your mind, heart and body? You could command one to do or think in a specific way, and the other will willingly follow. What if your mind doesn't warp reality into thinking that the universe revolves around you, rather than how it is actually meant to be.

I've had the weekend and two extra days to ponder over many things, as it has been the toughest weekend that I had to go through both mentally and spiritually. I prayed like I have never prayed before. Asking for protection, for love, for time, and that the distance wouldn't end up hurting me.

It did.

Sleep deprivation and crying my eyes out in the parking lot, mainly because I have no shoulder to cry on was immensely difficult. I couldn't prevent it, but I didn't want to either. I have my chance to heal, you have your chance to learn. If both of our paths are meant to meet with each other again, I'll gladly follow the path that leads to you. 

Holding you just hours before you would finalize your packing to head off to a new land, it made me realize just how much you meant to me, and I never meant to hurt you. Scrolling towards the top of the WhatsApp window, I realized how much we've been through, both together and as individuals. I've learnt many things through you, and hopefully you did through me.

I really thought that I had my heart and the overflowing feelings of love towards you jailed up under lock and key. I really thought that the chapter to the huge two year chapter that I'll be eternally grateful for has finally come to a close. But there was a lingering darkness at the back of my head, speaking to me in a very demented tone, telling me that it would be harder than I initially thought it would be.

Holding you again after nine whole months of being as far away from each other physically, gave me a whole new concept on how much I treasure you, and I always will.

Perhaps I'm stupid, because it takes two hands to clap - and I cannot forcefully place myself into the world again, hoping to find someone new and could possibly make me happy. I cannot bear the thought of hurting someone else just to cover up the lie that I would tell myself each and every day. Happiness is in a land that I cannot reach right now, but if I have to do something extremely stupid to earn it again, I'll be there. I'm sorry if my daily messages bug you.

I don't think you'll read this, but if you did make it to this point - I miss you.

If you would give me a second chance.