I made this Blog to talk about life . Whether it's my life or someone else's or something that everyone can relate to about life , that was the whole reason this Blog started in the first place. Heck , that was the reason why I started blogging in the first place. It's why everything started .....
"In the beginning" ..... no , I won't start this Blog post that way. Things aren't always easy , that's the beginning. Life is like a spiral of emotions , feelings , tragedies and disasters. "Happy birthday" - you've survived yet another year. Prepare for the next year , that basically repeats itself with all the issues that everyone and everything has in store for you.
You can cartwheel all you want past life , but sometimes you stray onto a path where there's a huge boulder in front of you , and you're expected to climb it . Not cartwheel over it , going around it , or even turning back. You have to climb it.
Everything that happens in life can be traced back to a single small decision made in the past , either by yourself or by someone else. It changes the course of time , and therefore it alters the future , which is now your past. Those decisions change things , in a huge way. It effects the way you grow up , the type of mentality that you will have , and the way you present yourself .
Behind a happy face , is a sorrowful soul. Problems occur everywhere , and on everyone. You might seem happy , and even appear happy - but are you happy ? I know people who are cheerful all the time , and puts smiles on everyone's faces. But when they're all alone with me , they share their darkest secrets , their inner selves are shown , and they're not happy. We all go through problems. Problems with family , friends , work , and a lot more.
We're all merely a particle in the Universe , and the Universe couldn't be bothered. Things are meant to happen , all because of a small decision. Adam and Eve ate an apple in the Beginning , and there came Sin , and that was the Darkness. Ever since then , life wasn't so smooth anymore.
For my case , my "dad" deciding to leave me in the clutches of my "mother" and the abyss of damnation , he basically screwed me over. What was once an innocent boy living in the world has now become an Antichrist psychopathic maniac that requires killing stuff , or watching people die for his soul to be satisfied. You might think that's crazy , but I've watched all the SAW and Final Destination movies and I enjoy watching the characters die one after another in a tragic way. It keeps my sanity intact.
I need to see a therapist ? I did. I had a lot of counseling and that didn't really work out.
That is how I look like. I identify as two different people. It's something like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Behind this dark , mysterious and antisocial persona lies a sleeping demon , a very demented persona that hates everything and everyone. How did this all turn out this way ? One small mistake.
My "dad" left me. I suffered for 12 years, I did not have a childhood. My childhood was basically forcing myself to sleep each and every night , under the covers of my blanket , which was soaked up with my tears. Tears of being frustrated with life , with not being able to live. I couldn't live , how was it even possible ? I went out finding other father figures , and managed to get some. But they weren't my "father" , as they were someone else's. Where was my own ? He isn't dead , nor was he alive. He was just a ghost , an entity that I had the privilege of meeting at least twice a year , for 12 years straight.
I lived in fear. I feared everything , and everyone. I couldn't stand up for myself , and therefore I was bullied for most of my childhood. But I didn't confess this to anyone , as I wanted to solve my own problems independently. But that decision came with some setbacks. It fueled my rage and my hate towards humanity. Why bother existing when all I get is being a castaway , an outsider , and no one would pay attention to me? Why bother existing when I'm not even existing .
I'd have fights within myself against my inner demons. The fight between my sanity and a totally outrage. A fight to save myself , that only I could fight - and possibly win. I was in the same game as everyone else , just on a different level. I fought the same Hell , just against different devils. I fought hard , and succumbed to not being strong enough. I was empty , a body without a skeleton. I was hollow inside , and thus I was angry outside.
I didn't make friends. I decided to shun myself out from all of humanity , and only picking out the very few people I call my friends , which can be counted with all ten of my fingers. I sticked to quality over quantity. I tried changing that habit , and in return I got stabbed in the back by many. I trusted a lot , but to no avail. That's when I turned off my humanity switch , and went berserk. I tried killing myself , and the people I hated. Yes , I brought a penknife to school and attempted to kill the person who bullied me. If it wasn't for my classmates to apprehend me , the bully would be dead by now.
I resorted to my own therapy , by playing violent video games. I lived off the kills , and the suffering that the characters had to go through. I enjoyed watching them suffer , as with each suffering - I gained back a piece of my humanity. But just because this is my demented hobby , that doesn't mean that becoming a serial killer is my number one on my occupation list . It's not even there. I have valid goals to achieve , and legal ones too. I have no intentions of spending the rest of my life locked up behind iron bars , isolated from the outside world. I've grown fond of it over the years. I want to see how humanity destroys themselves , and Donald Trump is doing a great job.
As I grew up , so did my demons. The fights that I had to go through , being mentally stressed out , and the conflicts that my idiotic family had to throw my way - only made things worse. I've been to the darkest parts of sorrow , and the deepest depths of Hell. I've seen the suffering , and I've felt the pain. I can't solve every problem , as I'm not a genius. I can't handle all the pain , as I'm not God. I'm only human , a mortal . Hope vanished . A memory turned into a nightmare. I lied to myself over and over again just to be able to say " I'm still alive " . I persevered , but for how long ? How long can one go through the pain and suffering. How much longer can I allow myself to drown in my own past , in my own sorrows .... to let the demons win over and over again , and be trapped in my own Darkness.
How can I keep living ?
I escape reality through music , and through music I find my own happiness. A timeless void where there is no pain , no suffering , and no worries. And through music I will live on.
