Got a long lecture from my grandma a while ago after exiting from the bathroom after my shower.
I don't share things with my family because none of them can't be trusted. Yeah, not even my mum or dad.
So, my grandma asked me on why I'm always showing a long face and always in a bad mood and what not.
Answer ? Okay.
The reason I don't share with any of my family members about my problems is because, why should I? They never fucking cared about my feelings when I was young, and now they wanna care? Sorry, too late. I don't trust anyone.
I trusted my mum once and told her my feelings and told her to keep them to herself but instead she goes out and blabs it out to the entire world. My dad was never there for me, so there's no point telling him shit because he wouldn't understand.
My grandma also said that it's not good for me to stay up really late and go to bed really late / early in the morning. Why do I do that? I have my own space. My own privacy. I've never actually had privacy before because my mum invaded my messages, Whatsapp, Facebook, Twitter....basically all the shit that I registered myself into. Why ? She's too overprotective over me. Get off my back.
There's no point of my grandma crying over me because I can't feel the pain that other people are having, because my pain is much greater than theirs.
You don't ever expect someone like me who's grown up in an environment where your dad leaves you when you're really young, never returns, flees to another country for about 7 years and I barely see him, then comes back and thinks that everything is okay. No, it's not okay.
When he was gone living peacefully in another country, I had to carry the punishment that was supposed to be my dads. I've been accused , abused, humiliated and much more painful fuck that I don't even want to remember. So don't you fucking think I'm happy, because I'm not.
You can say all you want, how I have no manners when my uncle comes in everyday to have dinner and watch his stupid TV shows. Well let me tell you why I hate him. He's a disgusting mother fucker. He talks when his whole mouth is full of food, and believe it or not, I've seen a lot of food fly out of his mouth and end up somewhere on the table. I just continue eating and completely ignore it because it didn't land on my side of the table.
Other than that, I'm sick of my grandma and dad treating him like he's the king or something. All he does is comes over, takes over the TV and watches his pointless tennis and news that only losers actually watch because there's nothing interesting on the news channel.
I practically hate almost everyone in my family because I don't trust them one bit, no matter how trustworthy they seem to be. I mean, if you grew up in a situation like me, where all the odds are against you, you'll grow up to realize that no one can be trusted, and you're all alone on this roller coaster ride called "life"
All my mum can say is " Your dads side of the family is terrible " and all my grandma can say is "Your mum is a crazy person " . If you wanna fucking criticize each other then just say it to each others faces. Don't drag me into this shit.
They can all say that my behavior everyday makes them really sad, well too bad. I have a bad aura. I did have faith, hope , trust....once. They were all destroyed. Destroyed because I was too naive to believe that something good would come up out of all these problems. Nope, nothing did come out. Only more problems, one after another.
My mum and dad has NEVER been supportive let me tell you that ! Although my dad tries really hard to make sure that I can enter college and get into an IT course and hopefully get a degree out of it, that's not what I want.
I like singing, I love singing, I wanna sing. I wanna sing all my feelings out, and hopefully people will be able to relate. True, not everyone gets to the top in the music industry, but that's because they're quitters. They never stood up once they were brought down. It was the haters not the fans that gave Justin Bieber his fame.
I do like IT, I really do. I would love to make games that people can enjoy and I can see people smiling because they appreciate the hard work that I put in to deliver the best games for their entertainment. What I want to do is I want to make others smile through my sorrow.
I once had a conversation about my dad compared to my friends' dad...which are Justins' and Ash's . Of course their dads don't compare to my own because they're not my dads. But they have been there for me for a really long time, even though they didn't do much. Ash's dad brought me to theme parks so many times, that without him, my childhood would suck, because my own dad wasn't there to bring me there himself.
Childhoods matter, trust me, it really does. Childhoods determine the type of person the child would grow up to become, either a happy one or a sad one. Sadly, I'm the sad one, because my childhood is one fucked up time of my life. I really prayed to God countless of times to fix things up, that I'll be good and hopefully all my problems could go away. As they say " God works in mysterious ways " and he certainly does. But he took too fucking long.
So I decided that if I want something, I shouldn't be too superstitious and believe that God can help me,because he didn't/ My dad did come back,yes he did. But that was because he got real tired of working there and wanted to come back, also, I heard that he wants to see me through my teenage hood.
Well he can certainly change things around my my view upon all the things surrounding me. But he will have to deal with my shit for another 10 years, and I'd like to see him last that long. What comes around, goes around.
I prefer being with my friends because they've always been supportive, even though they can be a pain in the ass at times, but they've always been there for me, and always have understood my problems and pain. Although they don't go through the same problems like mine, they do their best to make me happy and such, and I really appreciate their concern.
Last year, I sat with my really, really bestie and bugged him everyday throughout the whole year. He didn't mind, because me and him have so many things in common, it's like we're brothers. He helped me through my year 10 and I entertained him throughout the whole year by singing with him for one whole year. I guess it was the best time of my life.
Although I'm not the very social type, but all the memories I shared with people whom I'm not so close to in high school will always be the sweetest memories ever. We sang, danced, laughed, pranked, loitered around , and made a fool out of each other. These people are the ones that I really appreciate in my life.
I sing to release my stress, and I sing all the time. I feel happy singing, especially when I do it really awfully with all my friends with me. Although our genres are different, but we make a really good band.
I watch horror movies because of the gore that they can provide, and it's really entertaining. I picture myself as the ghost, killer , Freddy and just go out slaughtering people whom I don't like. Don't get me wrong, I don't intend to become a serial killer or an murderer when I grow up. But that's also another way of releasing myself of tension. Yeah, I have weird ways to make me forget about the real world for a change.
But I think I really did stray away from the main point I'm writing this in the first place. My grandma asked me if she did anything wrong to me or something. Answer : she didn't do anything wrong. It's just that I'm like this, always have, always will be. Whether I'm happy or sad, I'm always emo and I'm too used to being this way so she'll have to live with it.
Things that really pisses me off would be people having bad manners, mainly talking with your mouth full. I really can't stand that. It's fucking disgusting. Bad internet is also another problem, not that it matters but it's really a pain to watch Google load like a snail is the internet connection.
Another thing I hate is long winded people. You can talk, but please, keep it short. We're not doing a English speaking competition or something.
Another thing I hate is long winded people. You can talk, but please, keep it short. We're not doing a English speaking competition or something.
I don't have girl problems because that's not an area that I'm really interested in at the moment. Don't get that mistaken with me being gay, as I'm not. I already mentioned it in my previous post, although that was a horrible way to prove that I'm straight. I just haven't found the girl that I like, and of course...is still available. Though I doubt anyone would want to date someone like me. At the end of the day, no matter what the outcomes are, I'll always have my music that can make me happy, so yeah.
Well that wraps up my post. SPM is next week and I'm not happy about it. I just want to get this all over with and move on.
