Japan 2019 | Original picture

It's been a while since I last typed something to breathe life onto my webpage / Blog. Given how drastic things have turned out to become over the past year, which has now accumulated to two years in total, it's good to take time to reflect on the things both good and bad on equal grounds.

 To address the elephant in the room, the pandemic is still ongoing in Malaysia, and it's only progressing to be worse than the day before. My time in university feels like it ended a decade ago, and yet it hasn't been a year since I submitted my final report to the department. It is going to be two years since I stepped foot into a classroom and sat through a lecture though. Maddening to think about.

 Everyday feels the same and yet it is also different. Every sunrise feels blank, as if there is not a single thing that enables me to feel motivated to carry out my day. Stuck indoors and being unemployed, it is almost as if I am a fisherman stuck at sea for what seems like an eternity, trying to reel in a very good catch and yet continuously fails time and time again. Every corner in my mind feels bleak, like an endless cold breeze engulfing everything without a hint of a spark to be seen anywhere. Creativity has hit rock bottom ever since I finished my three-month internship last year - in a company that treated everyone harshly and was commanded by a man even more delusional than the politicians of Malaysia. This didn't feel like a ship crashing into an iceberg. It felt like a ship crashing into an ice planet the size of the Sun. 

What could have been a major drop and possibly the elimination of the COVID-19 pandemic in Malaysia turned into a major spike of cases, whereby thousands of new infections appear everyday. Demoralizing, depressing. All because idiots who appoint themselves worthless titles of "Datuk", "Tan Sri" and the like feel the need to maintain their position of power in the country, leeching off the lifelines of every regular citizen who are suffering in poverty and struggling to feed their families. The suicide cases have exceeded 1,000 people, with some victims even having their final moments on Earth recorded and shared onto social networks in order to raise attention. Not a day goes by without me thinking that I might soon add to the ever increasing count of people ending their own lives. No thanks is enough to commend all the friends that I'm able to voice chat with on a daily basis to have a good laugh and to feel some company, despite said company being completely virtual and not physical. I will take what I can get.

 Being trapped at home for months and forced to listen to the parasites that infest the apartment on a daily basis because they are incapable of doing anything for themselves is very painful. Nothing that comes out of either one of their disgusting mouths make any sense. Add them into the pile of equally stupid people on Earth that do not have anything unique to contribute to society. Oddly enough, my headphones are able to cancel out many external sources of noise, but it is unable to cancel out stupidity. It has been two months since I have been able to spend quality time with my mum, given that she and I live separately. She looks extremely different, like she has not had a decent meal in a long time. I feel helpless. I do want to give her the best life I possibly can. However, that fantasy is extremely farfetched given that I am still bound to the culture, rules and money of this disgusting country that I call home - at least for the time being. The grass really will be greener on the other side. There's no redemption, no saving, no salvation to a country overrun by retards who prioritize corrupted money that will amount to nothing at the end of the day. Rich or poor, influential or not, we all die the same way, scumbags. 

I hyped myself up for my Japan trip last year which unfortunately never happened, and my mental health only deteriorated even further. I was able to bring Japan to me by means of e-commerce, but the real thing is still lacking. All the money spent and all the materialistic temporary happiness I indulged in, it diminished rather quickly. I took 2019 for granted. I am positive that the whole world too, took 2019 for granted. Things will never be the same.

I lost my lecturer from university a few weeks back. It absolutely shattered me, and I spent two days crying about it really badly. I do miss him, very much indeed. He was not just a lecturer or a mentor, but a friend that helped me through many things, even advising me at times. At least he is no longer suffering due to his various health complications. If there is a convocation in the future and I am able to properly graduate from university, I dedicate my graduation to you. There are certain individuals that I would absolutely hate to bump into during convocation though...

Seven months of procrastinating since the start of 2021, I have finally been able to take the first step in turning my life around. I sleep earlier now. I surround myself with productivity on a daily basis. I do brief workouts everyday. I watch all the TV shows and movies that I have been putting off for months. I am planning intensively for the next 10 years, as I see myself living in Japan by then. That is my life goal. I will not give up in achieving that goal. I am fine with going through anything and anyone in order to be where I want to be. That is what happiness and success will mean to me in the long term. My life will not revolve around Malaysia. 

 

I refuse to die here.

Image taken from : https://www.nfrealmusic.com/#home

As a human being, we all have our personal demons, thoughts and issues that we deal with on a daily basis. It could be work, academics, family, personal struggles and so on. The list is an extremely long one and I have some small personal experiences in each of the categories listed above and then some.

Growing up as an introvert was a very daunting thing in the environment that I was placed in for 18 years. False individuals who only approach you and create a friendship for the sole benefit of themselves and disregarding all your worth as a person. That was 99% of my entire high school population - cut off and left behind as a dark past that I'm glad to be over with. Only when one of us passed away 2 years back did everyone reunite one final time to pay our respects, which a lot of the attendants were hardly even close towards the aforementioned deceased.

During my 9th year studying, I faced a lot of demons that only I could handle with. Looking back at my past self as of writing this, I would have diagnosed myself with a huge case of depression and anxiety. I spent my afternoons either in tuition centers learning things that would end up bringing me nowhere in life as my aspirations were placed in other areas, or singing to myself in my living room. Biology, physics, chemistry, additional mathematics : what a complete waste of time. Thousands of dollars wasted on an education that I was uninterested in but had to undergo all due to the mandatory requirements of the government - which cares more about grading of their generation of students instead of whether the students understand what they've spent so much time and energy studying.

Although music didn't become the path that I would tread in my later years of studying (university), it did become the driving force for me to fight the demons that I would conjure occasionally, especially when I was left alone long enough for my mind to wander off even for a brief moment. I have listened to so many artists over the years - both good and bad and some even not existing in present time because they ended up being 'one-hit-wonders' such as the likes of Owl City and The Ready Set. Another good example would be PSY, the Gangnam Style Korean guy. None of them could have prepared me for the roller-coaster of a talent that is Nate Feuerstein, otherwise known by his initials as NF. 

The first time I got exposed to Nate was during his peak with his track 'Let You Down', which I'm positively sure that most people are familiar with. After all, the stats for that song is very impressive and projected him to the masses and he's still flying the rocket and doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon.

Taken from Wikipeda

Let You Down is a track that speaks about his personal relationship with his father and the music video that accompanied the track cements that statement. It was catchy and enjoyable to have the repeat button activated for that track alone. The album that it came with, Perception was also just as amazing.

But the main point of this post is to talk about his latest album (as of writing this), The Search. He evolves his music to a form of expressing his mind throughout the whole album and placing those expressions in different aspects and perspectives. Although he's no stranger to doing so and each album prior to The Search has the same formula - this one has a more in-depth and deeper ring to it that you wouldn't be able to shake off anytime soon once you've pressed the Play button on one of his tracks from the 2019 sensational album.

I like looking at music on an in-depth perspective in which I dissect the lyrics and relate to them based on what I'm currently going through, or what I have already gone through in the past. Of course, there are some loose ends to that claim and a lot of songs that I listen to, I listen to them for the catchy beat that the song was layered on. For (most) of the songs in The Search though, Nate struck me hard with perspectives that I took to heart and I honestly thank him so much for this ride. The album deserves the Grammy, honestly - and I'll break down some aspects as to why it should. If you're one that hasn't listened to him before, I highly suggest you do. We're all entitled to the things that we like and if this music doesn't suit you, that is totally fine.

NOTE: Not all tracks will be added below, only the ones that impacted me in a personal way. Again, interpret these in whichever way you want to.

Track #1 - The Search

"See, we've all got somethin' that we trapped inside
That we try to suffocate, you know, hopin' it dies
Try to hold it underwater but it always survives
Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise
Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of liesYou don't relate to that? Must not be as crazy as I am"

I suffered a lot during my 9th year in school because of reasons stated paragraphs above but also due to some family problems.  I was a 15 year old kid trapped between two sides going to war with one another and it almost caused me to commit suicide five whole times through different means.

I struggled with burying that whole phase of my life that it ended up consuming me and almost drove me to the point of utter madness. I didn't show it through my facial expressions but everything inside me was struggling and that was tiring to deal with. Thank God however, that I managed to escape that past and embraced it as a bitter memory but one that I can take as a lesson of - I'm stronger than I made myself seem.

"The point I'm makin' is the mind is a powerful place
And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way"

Track #3 - Change

"World don't stop just because I'm in a bad mood
You don't know what love is 'til you holdin' onto somethin' that you can't lose
I swear I'm tryna get it together
Sleeves up, puttin' work in, tryna be better"

The hardest part of my life as of this moment was coping with the breakup between me and my ex-girlfriend of 14 months. A lot of people told me that the duration was immensely short and shouldn't be that bad towards my psychology, but I took it worse than anyone could've imagined the outcome to be. 

The entirety of 2018 was spent crying and grieving because I lost the one person I loved so much in the world because the relationship had reached the stale point where nothing was going on between us. We would hardly talk, primarily texted and hardly even see one another. Whenever we did, we were never alone by ourselves. We couldn't talk privately. We couldn't do anything. I never expected my grief to be so awful towards myself and her but we've both moved on since then. She's happily in a new relationship and I'm slowly pursuing one for myself at this moment.

Heck, I made a whole Blog post addressing this which you can read here .


Track #6 - Time

"A little time to show you I'm worth it
I know that I can be a difficult person
I'm a stress case, drive you up the wall when I'm workin'Actually, I'm probably worse when I'm not, you don't deserve it"

Being very new towards a relationship was daunting and I messed up tremendously in multiple aspects. I didn't know what to expect, and she expected a lot - some of which I couldn't deliver. They say that guys can't read signs that girls are giving out but I learned to adapt and I could tell that she was not very happy with me during most times. I was young and foolish and I definitely do not know any better right now but, time changes people and perspectives towards certain scenarios, decisions and circumstances that comes with decisions.

"I'm the definition of "wreck" if you look into my soul
Comes out the most when I feel I'm in a vulnerable place
Made a lot of mistakes I wish I knew how to erase
When I'm afraid, might get distant and I push you away"

I dealt with a lot of insecurity during the duration of the relationship and it became extremely unhealthy not only on myself, but towards my ex girlfriend as well. She dealt with a lot of issues herself too, but decided to shelter those issues from me to protect me from worrying like crazy for her. Looking back on those moments now, I wish she didn't shelter them from me. It sounds extremely stupid but I would've done anything for her. Unfortunately, nobody's perfect.

Track #7 - Returns

"What is perfect? Not me
I've been overworking for weeks
I go home and purchase some things
That I know will not fill my needs
Have a dose of what I've achieved
Then get lonesome and I critique
Who I am and what I believeMake up standards too high to reach"

Nobody is perfect and I certainly am far from it. I tend to overwork myself when deadlines loom around the corner because I tend to be somewhat of a perfectionist and I like to achieve the best grading that I can possibly achieve. I also have a tendency of purchasing tons of things that grant me temporary happiness, especially directed towards collectible merchandise from the Japanese franchise, Kamen Rider.

Track #8 - When I Grow Up

"I could go to college, get in debt like everybody else
Graduate and probably get a job that doesn't pay the bills"

I'm tremendously grateful to receive the opportunity to study to where I am right now without worrying about fees breaking the bank which is directed to my dad - who funds my education. I have had many instances where I question the place that I managed to land myself in during this crucial point of my life in which I'm landing myself into the working world a few months after writing this Blog post. I will definitely start small by learning all the tricks of the trade that exists in the working world, and then pursue a life outside of this country. Realistically speaking, there is no opportunity to become successful and pursue passions if you confine yourself inside Malaysia.

Malaysians who are successful in the media industry are not even living in Malaysia; Michelle Yeoh, James Wan, Yuna.

Track #9 - Only (featuring Sasha Sloan)

"Yeah, if you made a list of people that you trusted would you put your name down?
Do you know who you are when you look at life and you talk about yours, do you feel proud?
Are you leaving a mark, or scared to make a bad impression so you just go hide in the dark?"

Being someone who deals with many mental demons, I can hardly trust myself to make the simplest decisions most of the time. This has prevented me from reaching towards objectives and aspirations that I set for myself many, many times in a variety of situations and environments. It's something that I'm still working on and hope to improve, if not diminish completely as soon as possible.

I do feel tremendously proud of myself for all the situations that I have endured over the years and will endure in the future but, I still feel confined and lost in a sea of not feeling accomplished because Malaysia limits potential for me to expand my knowledge and reach to find my purpose and calling in life.

"Am I the only one that has a loaded gun
That's full of doubts and memories to overcome?
And I complain about 'em when they shoot at me
But I know truthfully I like to load 'em up and let 'em—"

Well, this one has been explained upon ^. Don't need to explain it twice using different words I suppose.

Track #10 - Let Me Go

"Will this feel worth it when I'm all done?
Will I feel ashamed of like who I was?
With the pain vanish or will more come?
Will I stay numb or regain love?
Maybe someday have a taste of freedom?
Will I take the poison out of my blood?
Or just leave it there inside of my lungs?"

Sometimes I do look back at my younger self and go "why were so so stupid and foolish?". But those decisions molded me into the person I am today and it's relatively comfortable for me to live with. Learning from heartbreak last year and regaining love this year helped create new aspects of my personality that I never knew I could create and I'm eternally grateful to two very particular best friends of mine. The best friends and sisters I could honestly never would've thought I'd get to know in this lifetime. Love you both (if you read this of course. But I still love you nonetheless).

 Track #12 - Hate Myself

"Yeah, late nights get the best of me
They know how to get to me
Suicide thoughts come and go like a guest to meBut I don't wanna die, just wanna get relief"

Life only gives us one chance to live it, and I do not intend on doing anything foolish to get rid of the opportunity to live where I am now, and where I will be in due time. I like claiming myself as a nocturnal type of person and much more fancy the darkness instead of being in a brightly lit room. But those times does have a major side effect in which my mind can wander off much more easily as I battle fatigue and stubbornness to head to bed - which leads me to lie to myself and make me feel unworthy and whatnot as my mind stumbles onto existentialism and anxiety.

I guess I can consider myself a suicide survivor, and I've also seen and felt the effects personally of how much suicide impacts the surroundings of the victim of suicide. That night was arguably the darkest night of my life as my late friend taught me just how fragile life is and how tragic it is to see your loved ones grieve for you because they couldn't catch the signs of your suffering while you were still alive.

"Can't stand who I am, but it don't matter
We scream to be free, but I stay captured
Knee-deep in defeat of my own actions
Feel weak, but the peace that I keep lackin'
Keeps speakin' to me, but I can't have it"

Anxiety is an issue that I have been dealing with for the longest time but it has progressively become better as I grow more confident in myself and look towards worth through the inside and not towards appearances. Things that I want to change, I've worked towards them and some succeeded while some stayed dormant in their location - but I'm okay with them. I've learned to teach myself to think happy and positive and my days would get brighter through that. The aura that I emit affects my surroundings as well.

Track #15 - Like This

"Made amends with you, then you overstepped
That's a line you never shoulda crossed, you got no respect
Stop with all the threats
Like the more I get know you, I just know you less"

My mind and I are two separate personalities and it is extremely hard at times for both of them to coexist together to make decisions. One could be confident in an aspect but the other becomes completely afraid of making that first step and hence I end up not knowing what to do in the heat of the moment. What I make myself overthink of more often than not turns into decisions that I end up not making - which has caused a multitude of regrets towards the people that I wish to meet and know more of. Most in particular leads up to me making an impression towards the girl that I have a crush on right now.

"I lie to myself and I can't handle it
Why do I waste so much time on things that I can't fix?"

Major callback towards my issues on dealing with my breakup throughout the entirety of 2018, which has already been mentioned. 

We're on the last quarter of the year and things are only ever looking better in my perspective. Hopefully the things that I wish to achieve this year will be fruitful at the end of it, and I can start the new year better than I did with this years. Hope it's the same for you as well. No matter what you're going through, things will get better. Keep fighting and never give up. You're a winner, and you'll always be a winner.