GregJSLow: December 2015

2016 - Briefing and Some

By Gregory Low - December 30, 2015

2014 passed by really quick. The first thing I knew was that I was in my final year of high school . It wasn't easy to take in. Reasons was because it's the hardest year of high school , because you're expected to know pretty much everything by then so you'd have to be knowledgeable on everything. I wasn't . The second reason was that it marked the end of high school , and everything I did and made were to be put behind me in the past ~ and I should start anew in a brand new environment.

I didn't accomplish much in 2014 , except that I got fatter. I couldn't control myself , the food in my schools' canteen was really good. I guess that was a small guilty pleasure that I had to attempt to endure but failed miserably at even doing so. Heck , I had 0 intentions of stopping that insane addiction to the food that contained a lot of calories. This could be bad for me in the future , but I'm living in the "now" so I'm going to put all my attention on that instead.

It required 3 months for the authorities to mark my SPM exam paper , which is basically O-levels for those international readers of mine.

As you can see , I get most of my readers from US , followed by Malaysia , which is where I live and so on. Pretty cool.

Anyways , back to the topic. In those 3 months , I did absolutely nothing. It was like I had a "couch potato" switch and I left it on permanently , which lasted the entire 3 months until I received my results. I didn't do good for the exam , which meant that I couldn't enter IT , which is what I wanted to do. I did do some brainstorming to figure out if IT was the course that I wanted to enroll myself into. But I'm terrible at math , which would automatically determine the fact that I wouldn't enjoy myself at all. I would also be living a lie because I didn't have a complete passion for video game designing. I wanted to do something different. Something bizarre.

Which lead me to waiting another 2 months and being a full couch potato again , which meant 5 straight months in total - doing absolutely nothing. If I got myself a job and worked really hard , like full shifts and all that ~ for 7 days a week , I'd earn enough by now to purchase a laptop. But , Christmas came early for me and I got gifted a MacBook Pro. Of course, it's for college work but for the moment it acts as my second laptop.

I entered college at the end of May , not expecting much. I was really nervous on orientation day because I would be a lone wolf walking into an unknown jungle. That's just a figure of speech. I entered the hall and got some briefing of what the college has to offer me and I proceeded to my class. There I had to introduce myself , what my name is , which school was I from , how old I am and so on. The lecturer giving us our first day introduction was a lovely guy , and everyone else in the room was equally cool , nice and polite. Now , they're the friends that I never want to lose , because we've endured 2 semesters together and went through a lot during that process.

We have the party freaks in Kez and Jasabel , the YouTube fangirl in Soraya , the laid-back lady in Farah , the photographer in Advin , the " I love everyone and everything " girl in Praveena , the clown in Enoch , the clumsy one in Jane , the hardcore gamer in Shaun and then there's me , the music fanatic. Everyone else is also a music fanatic , but I think I'm the most extreme one out of the lot.

PS : If anyone of you guys are reading this ( the names mentioned above ) , don't kill me . It's just my observation and perspective of your characteristics. I could be wrong .

Then came " My Name Is Joe " , which is kind of like my small debut as a terrible upcoming actor wannabe and also a YouTuber , which I'm working on it. I had an amazing time filming it and met new friends that I communicate a lot with today.

See , when I graduated from high school , my mindset was on people being unfriendly and I shouldn't attempt to friend anyone because they are mostly back stabbers. Yes , my high school days were filled with a lot of drama and betrayal , which isn't fun at all. One second they're your close friend , the next thing you know they blab out your personal secrets that you entrusted to your friend to keep a secret about. This is why I have trust issues and pretty much hate people in general. Meeting the people I became friends with this year thought me that not everyone is cruel. There is still some good in the world , and they're not hard to find as I expected. I still do have doubt in people , because people can change , at anytime.

I've never settled on anything for a permanent decision especially when it comes to what I want my life to be shaped out to be when I grow older. College allowed me to make my decisions. Being in the Communications department allowed me to branch out and experience a lot of things , public speaking , photography , design , video making & editing. It's a really fun experience and I learned a lot from it. Of course , there were some bad times in all those too.

Everyone has a talent in something creative. Maybe you can write really well (writer) , draw really well (artist) , imagine really well (director) , sing really well (singer) , dance really well (dancer) , act really well (actor) and much more. Of course there's also the complex ones like becoming a doctor , pilot , lawyer and such but that isn't in my field of expertise and personal interests. I would like to be someone in front of a camera , or behind a microphone. Yes , an actor or singer - heck maybe even both.

That is just a vision and a dream at the moment , but as long as you put effort into your dreams and you believe that you will make it there , you will make it there. Not everyone had an easy run. Some celebrities gained their fame because of their parents , some worked really hard for it. I think you know who falls into which category.

I do not envision myself to become a celebrity , but I'd like to do something big in my life. I don't intend to work behind an office desk for the rest of my life....where's the fun in that ? How cool would it be if instead of watching Star Wars , you lived it ? How cool would it be that instead of watching Taylor Swift , you are Taylor Swift ? See , something spectacular.

We're all born for greatness in our own specific way. No one's superior or inferior to another person . We're all equally human. Unless you're an alien disguised as a human to study on us - which explains all the homicide cases. Just kidding .

2015 is also the year on where I accepted reality and shut off myself from everyone. Who cares if I'm fat ? Who cares if I'm short ? Who cares if I'm inadequate ? No one should care. It's me and if you don't like it , then you can scram from my life. I couldn't care less. Life doesn't give you enough time to live a life full of drama and hate from everyone.

It can be demoralizing when you're called fat , skinny , slut , whore , bitch and such. But you shouldn't let that drag you down. You'll just be allowing your enemies to win against you. Be strong . You know what's best for yourself and what you want for yourself. No one can force you to do things otherwise. It's your own life , so live it the way you want to.

I get fat-shamed by my mum every single day, Heck , all my family members do that. Well , they're all cunts anyways so I'm not bothered to say the least. Whatever. Again , if you hate it , bugger off.

Lastly , yes ~ I came out as being bisexual earlier this month. I would like to clarify things right now (again) . Being in the middle doesn't mean that you're not going to get kids , or your parents are not going to get grandkids. Being in a "typical Asian family" , those homophobias hate all these , but they just have to accept it.

Here's the fun part , I do not like guys. The reason of "bisexuality" is because I'm embracing more of a feminine side of things rather than the masculine stuff. In other terms , it means that instead of liking cars , I like boybands. Instead of liking metal music , I like pop. Instead of watching football , I watch " Brother / Boyfriend Does My Makeup " on YouTube. There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing this , but homophobias will not understand , similar to atheists who don't get why people worship "God" .

But in all honesty , I'm perfectly straight. Quite a lot of people would probably come to a conclusion on where I'm just a puzzled gay person that hasn't fully come out yet , but like I said - I don't like men. And being a feminine kind of guy doesn't make me gay either. The term "bisexual" for me is just a figure of speech , but technically I'm straight. Sounds pretty complicated , even for me. But whatever , call me straight or gay or bisexual , I don't really care

Resolutions for 2016 ? I don't have any resolutions. I'm just going with the flow of the choices I make for the next 12 months and see how everything pits out in the end. Thanks for reading. I don't normally make conclusions but since it's the last post for me this year , why not do something a little different and out of the ordinary , am I right ? Hope you had a great 2015 , and I hope that 2016 will be an even better year for all of you.

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Life

2016 #comingout

By Gregory Low - December 17, 2015

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Life

Past

By Gregory Low - December 07, 2015

I made a rule for myself that I would not use swear words on my Blog anymore because I wanted to make it user friendly for all ages , but I'm gonna let loose a little just this once , because I do need to release some steam. Or , a lot of it. I'm not even bloody sure at this point.

Around the age of 13 , my mum finally told me that I was adopted. Of course, before then I already had the idea of me being a little bit "different" from both my mum and my dad. I mean , after hearing:

" You don't look like your mum and your dad. You look a little Muslim"

for at least 50 times per year for 10 years ( now would be about 11 - 12 ) , you kinda already have the mindset that you're "different".

Hearing the sentence " Son , you're adopted " didn't hit me that much because well - I already knew , but of course , there were some after effects - or an aftermath. During the puberty years - for both boys and girls , you're very prone to a lot of things. Your emotions can be really unstable , like a nuclear plant about to explode at any second. Maybe now you don't feel much , probably neutral , but an hour later you feel like you could eat a whale , or two. Heck , you might even be able to eat Jupiter. I might be exaggerating a little here.

My aftermath was pretty much on the fact where curiosity settled in. I ~~wanted~~ needed to know my roots. I really couldn't wait , I needed to know as soon as I could. Some demon inside of me was eating my soul. If I couldn't get answers , bad things would happen. And of course , bad things did.

My teenage years were fucked up. Like , totally. First being my mum and dad fighting for a divorce and what not , which caused my mum to throw out whatever tantrum she had on me , because I'm all that she had to abuse mentally that time. Yes , I got traumatized. I've attempted suicide at least 3 times , if not 4. All involved me strangling myself to death. I held a knife once and something told me to stab myself in the stomach but I didn't really want to feel and see blood so I settled on strangling. I'm still alive though , obviously . I pulled through that phase.

Again , I was in the center of a huge war between my mum and my dad . They were throwing so much shit at each other , that I ate most of it myself , and it's not like I wanted to. I just couldn't do anything about it.

That's when depression kicked in too . I was never happy. I wished for both my parents to stop , or die - or I'd kill them both myself to ease my pain. They're still alive today so that's sheer proof that I didn't go into Jason Vorhees mode and sliced their hearts out using a machete. I hit stage 4 of depression , which in my definition , is quite bad.

Here's my depression chart.

Stage 1 : You're sad. You put on a fake smile most of the time.
Stage 2 : You need comforting. You're losing it. You need a shoulder to cry on.
Stage 3 : You're crying yourself to sleep. You're praying for a better tomorrow.
Stage 4 : You want to end it all. Yourself , or them. Fuck everything now.

I required counseling , which didn't do me any good because I was really HAPPY when I went for my counseling sessions. Probably because the counselor was a really nice person to talk to , and I forgot about the problems I was facing at home , and the demons I was battling inside of me.

When I was in Form 4 , which is Year 10 , which is also at the age of 16 - I had arguments with my mum every single day of the year. I shit you not , every single day. I'm not even sure how both of us had the energy to keep that routine up , but we sure as hell did a good job on both of our parts. My mum had "husband" problems to deal with , while I had to take in whatever shit my mum threw at me in a mental state.

As seen in the image above , physically - people can be there for you. Your friends , family , whoever. But in your mind , it's you and only you. You're forced to face your darkest fears and your inner demons all by yourself. There isn't any other option or way out.

It was hard. Really hard. I'm no expert but , it is hard. I don't think there is even an expert for these kinds of things. Well , perhaps a shrink would be the best example.

In order for me to make myself better and to ease the pain , I resorted to eating whatever I could find in the house , which leads up to now - I'm fat. I know it, and I understand that I'm fat, but my mum loves to shove it in my face. See , the bitch doesn't understand , it's not okay to body shame someone. You think that the person would get "used" to it after hearing the same shit over and over again but no , it doesn't go away. It just becomes worse.

Thankfully, I made friends. Friends who were there for me. They were my shoulder to cry on , someone that I could rely on to pour my heart out whenever I needed to , and they would listen. I would complain and rant about life and about all the aspects that I dislike about it , and they would listen for hours and give me good explanations and solutions to my problems once I ran out of breath. Of course, they had their own problems too so I did the same , I became their problem solver and their shoulder to cry on. It's a give and take.

In Form 5 , which was last year - I didn't have any closure yet about my past. I still needed to know everything. I asked my mum - she said that she told me "everything" that I needed to know. I asked my dad - he held back. I couldn't stand it , I wanted a conclusion.

Of all people , I got some answers from my mums godmother or whatever , which hit me really hard. For that hour and a half listening to whatever that grandma had to say about me , I had only one single thing in mind - of all people , why is a person that I have no clue on who she is , giving me closure on my curiosity. It should have been my mum , or my dad , not a random stranger that claimed to "know" me when I've never seen her before , or can't remember.

I took it in hard. I knew everything , but I still felt empty. I felt a sense of being incomplete. I had a hunch that there was more to the story. A few months later , my godmother spilled everything out , while I was having fun with my god brother. I lost interest in doing anything but listen to what she had to say. I've finally received it. Closure , a conclusion , the end. There were some parts missing , but I was happy. I knew what I needed to know.

Which leads me to now , today , 2 hours ago as of me writing this very sentence. My dad decided to reveal MORE. He wanted to show me a picture. Was I supposed to feel happy , excited , anxious , angry , or puzzled , or something more ? I had mixed feelings. I didn't want to know , not while we're enjoying ourselves eating pancakes and drinking watermelon juice. No , I didn't want to fucking find out here , now - out of nowhere , of all the times he could've picked.

"The right time" . There isn't a right time in telling someone a huge secret you've been keeping for TWO fucking years. Yes , I want to know who I really am , what I really am , where in this world did I come from , who the fuck were my parents , and so much more. The right time would be damn sure two years ago when I was ready to listen to everything , but got only 20% of the story. You don't fucking leave someone stuck on a cliffhanger of a story for two fucking years - especially if it's something that means the world to them to find out. It hurt. It fucking hurt.

I'm going to resume waiting ............

I know my dad , mum , and many other family members might have reached this line by now. I just want to say , spill it all , in paper. Write it down. I don't fucking care how bloody long it takes for you to write it , but I've had enough of listening. I want to read now. I want to read EVERYTHING. No fucking thing gets left behind. Every small bit of detail has to be in . Every single % of the story. I've had enough shit in my life to listen to answers and it being "the right time" .

The amount of shit I've been through , mentally and physically because of this small fucking problem is too much.

An old lady told me that once. I'm not sure if she's still alive or died sometime back , but it doesn't really bother me. Whore , I hope you rot in the deepest darkest burning pit of hell. Fuck you. No one ever fucking says that to anyone. You think it's okay to say something like that ? No , it's not okay. In your next life ( if you have one ) - I hope you go through the same shit I've gone through and still going through and see how you like it.

2016 - Briefing and Some

2016 #comingout

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