It has been a while since I even browsed through my past entries in this journal as I would like to call it, to retrace precious past memories. It has been a while since I acknowledged this as a safe haven that I can vent out too. A haven that I can pen down my thoughts, feelings, and resolutions like I always do. Some are well thought out and planned. Others were made in the spur of the moment. Some are filled with joy. Others are filled with bittersweet moments that overwhelm me as an individual. Today, this is the entry that I can pen down as a stepping stone towards a different perspective in life, far away from the personality and the memories that I've suppressed away. Gone are the days of feeling bad for myself. Gone are the days of relishing what I once had, rather than what I have right now. It's a start. It has been long. But I thank God, that I made it this far.
2018 was a hard moment in life for me, throughout all the aspects surrounding emotions, love, heartbreak, friendship, and life beyond itself. I surrounded myself with negativity that stemmed from all the emotions that I caused upon myself. Those emotions clouded my judgment and sense of being, which then led me down a path of sorrow and total darkness. It was a hard time for me as someone who went through something so big, and lost it monumentally more. To my past self, and to the future who might just browse through this archive of thoughts and emotions, here's to you. To the anonymity of the public that has access to this page and view each and every word written down on all of the entries that came before this and hopefully many more to come, here's to you.
Thank you for putting yourself into that situation. In doing so, you learned to become stronger than yourself. Lengths and limits your heart could not comprehend before - those are the areas that the sorrow you caused upon yourself led to. More often than most you site 2013 for being the worst year of your life - with all the troubles that you faced in receiving a father back into your life after years of being apart. That change was hard, yet look at where you are now. You had doubts and so much more, but you pulled through and you didn't just accept the facts that were presented onto you, but you let go of the life you once had in order to start anew.
This very moment is the time of your life where you need to believe in yourself and to set a goal in order to put yourself back on course. Say you can do it, not you'll try. Say your peace, and let the past be the past and the present be the greatest gift you have ever experienced. Took you a whole year to learn how to love yourself, to love her and to love the external people surrounding you. Took you a whole year to face your fears and to accept them as being a part of yourself and to be thankful for each opportunity and moment that was placed in front of you. Took you a whole year to realize that no matter what happens and what decisions you make in life, God will carve a path for you. Cherish those times when you cried in front of your friends. Cherish those moments of suffering where you knelled down and begged God to make you happier. Love where you are ever since that day. Bless the person that caused you to enter this state in your life, and bless those that helped you get out of it.
Those that you love the most, are the ones that you have to let go. It definitely sucked to be you for a moment in time. But while you doubted yourself, everyone else didn't. They stood by your side through the thickness of the burden that you caused upon yourself, to the thinness of your patience to wanting all of the suffering to end. Not going to lie however, the whole therapy session idea that you instilled onto yourself was a complete waste of time. She did listen to your problems - but you already had your solution. If you were more strict towards yourself to how you really feel about yourself and the one that you miss the most - you could've shortened that suffering. So I'll leave you with this - life goes on. Some things may ricochet back towards you. Every action, every spoken word, every heard emotion, any person, may ricochet back towards you. How badly do you want it? How selfish will you be when you're in a war against yourself. How selfish will you be, to hurt others in order to please yourself?
Relinquish the past and seize the future. Time waits for no man and used time cannot be altered. Every fleeting moment is something precious that can be made into the sweetest of things, or the most horrifying of memories. At this very moment, you were wrapping your head around her being happy with someone else. That is okay. You know you're happy for her. You know you're happy for yourself. Be content with those emotions. The things that you leave bottled up, will eventually overflow and will hurt you. You have made so much progress throughout 2018 and (almost) the first half of 2019. You have to be proud of yourself. You managed to find solitude in the most peculiar of places and in the most peculiar of people. You managed to accept God into your life again through your own faith and meaning, and look where that got you.
That weight that you carried throughout 2018 and the chains that bound you to it have been broken. As you look back at this post, maybe mere moments after publishing it or sometime in the distant future - this is a testament to how much you've grown as an individual - and how much power that comes with it. Look forward to what is ahead of you, not to what you have left behind. Do not hope for the best, work for the best. Compassion, love and understanding towards oneself is the strongest gift that anybody can obtain. Through that self-love and self-care, comes the people who will do the same. Inside that circle of people, shall you find your solitude. As you crave the warmth and company of a person as of this moment, just remember that as long as you have faith in yourself and love everyone else - anything is possible.
Past self, thank you. Future self, God bless you.
To the many friends who aided me through all the tough times especially S and E, thank you. What you did for me might mean simple texts and simple meetups that discusses problems and suggests solutions in your perspective, but it means the world and beyond to me.
To V, the amount of love and gratitude I have for you will always be there. As we travel down the road of life as individuals who connected once upon a time, lets continue to support one another through the thick and thin, regardless of being near or far apart.
