When it comes down to a confrontation where every single move you make actually matters, it becomes a very intricate chess match, with a lot on the line. You would place your money, your happiness, friendship ~ literally anything on the line just to win. I am not in a position where winning matters, as it does not help the situation at all. I am in a situation where I'm playing a game of chess with everything at stake, just to move on.
My portion of the story goes a really bitter way, as I'm only naming the faults, and am completely ignoring the bliss of the story line. But if I'm being absolutely honest with myself, among the blissfulness of the love that was shared, it was plagued with thorns that were poking me, and swords that were stabbing me, over and over again.
I don't have to contradict any statements that were made in the past, as whatever that was said, is now imprinted in storage as evidence. The most common phrase I see circulating as of right now would be : "I tried my best, okay?" You said the total opposite towards the end of the year.
Right after the break, I was placed in a mental block where I carved out roads for myself. With those roads came timelines, and in those timelines came circumstances. The circumstances were huge, and I placed a lot on the line as I trailed through those roads, paved with misfortune and grief. The first road that appeared before me was to make do with the situation, by blocking off the term "we broke up" and just remain in character, as if nothing ever happened.
It worked. I approached to ask for reasons, for answers to questions that were killing me inside. I did not receive the answers I was hoping to get. With that marked a crossroad, and I made a turn down South to a bitter place where I required someone to fill up the gap in my heart. I found nothing, but solitude in grief, despair and a whole lot of depression that ate me inside. I needed to get out of that place, I needed to reverse - and take the second road.
That road brought me down a path of shutting off every thought of self pity, bitter love, regret and sorrow - in exchange for cutting everything off that had to do with you. This road, didn't work. There was an invisible thread that was still latched on to me, pulling me down like a huge boulder of lies that I keep telling myself. I needed to escape from that place, but somehow I couldn't reverse back to carve a new road because these two roads were all I was capable of creating.
I dug a hole for myself that I cannot escape from the moment I uttered the words "Does it look like I'm fine?!" to you. Yes, I'm shit talking you. Yes, I'm totally aware of you complaining about it towards the people that I'm close to. Hell, you even approached the girl I have hearts for, to talk about me. Honestly, with all the talk about "you cannot be bothered about me anymore" , you certainly bring up my name rather often.
"I need to detox from Greg's shit." How's that working out for you? "Instead of running away from your problems, you should confront them." That's a rather famous saying that I've heard more than I needed to in my lifetime, and you have used that proverb on me a couple of days after the break. I'm no psychic but from what I can see, you are my problem, and I am yours. But, what's stopping you from talking to me?
Would you slap me in the face for all the Tweets I've sent out? Would you scream at my face for all the "lies" I've told people? If you don't check social media that often, the things that I'm doing to combat this incredibly tough time, should not affect you. If you don't check social media that often, you wouldn't screenshot my Tweets and complain about them to people that I'm close to.
Leave everyone out of this. I've tried facing you, but you don't even seem to give a single shit. From what I can see right now, you require a lot of venting as well, and those stem from me. Does that make me the bad guy? Yes it does. I don't love it, as I am hurting you while I'm trying to heal myself. Discord? Feel free to leave my server. If it's "high time" for you to leave, then why don't you? Why do I have to pull the trigger, over and over? How little do you even think of this entire thing?
But heck, you're heading to wherever-it-is soon. Safe travels, enjoy yourself in England. I've done everything I can, and some decisions have hurt me, while others have hurt you. I don't intend on approaching you, because I bet you would feel pretty prideful to see me breakdown in tears because of how much I'm suffering in silence. I've had six interventions about my situation to date, and they've only cured me a little, while my suffering doubled with each intervention.
Right, you're needy. We all are. I tried, I really did. I'm very tired of hurting myself internally, of emitting an aura that I don't want those close to me to see, and eventually be affected by. YOU have the final say, to hammer the final nail in the coffin. You are so afraid to even step into the same escalator as me, as if I might eat you up or something. Come on..
You're only starting to approach people outside of your comfort zone because I have feelings for that particular person, just so you can get to know that person significantly better and who knows what you'll do later. Leave everyone and anyone else out of this. It's about time one of us stepped up and faced our problems, and I've already done my part in trying.
You're only starting to approach people outside of your comfort zone because I have feelings for that particular person, just so you can get to know that person significantly better and who knows what you'll do later. Leave everyone and anyone else out of this. It's about time one of us stepped up and faced our problems, and I've already done my part in trying.
