Japan 2019 | Original picture

It's been a while since I last typed something to breathe life onto my webpage / Blog. Given how drastic things have turned out to become over the past year, which has now accumulated to two years in total, it's good to take time to reflect on the things both good and bad on equal grounds.

 To address the elephant in the room, the pandemic is still ongoing in Malaysia, and it's only progressing to be worse than the day before. My time in university feels like it ended a decade ago, and yet it hasn't been a year since I submitted my final report to the department. It is going to be two years since I stepped foot into a classroom and sat through a lecture though. Maddening to think about.

 Everyday feels the same and yet it is also different. Every sunrise feels blank, as if there is not a single thing that enables me to feel motivated to carry out my day. Stuck indoors and being unemployed, it is almost as if I am a fisherman stuck at sea for what seems like an eternity, trying to reel in a very good catch and yet continuously fails time and time again. Every corner in my mind feels bleak, like an endless cold breeze engulfing everything without a hint of a spark to be seen anywhere. Creativity has hit rock bottom ever since I finished my three-month internship last year - in a company that treated everyone harshly and was commanded by a man even more delusional than the politicians of Malaysia. This didn't feel like a ship crashing into an iceberg. It felt like a ship crashing into an ice planet the size of the Sun. 

What could have been a major drop and possibly the elimination of the COVID-19 pandemic in Malaysia turned into a major spike of cases, whereby thousands of new infections appear everyday. Demoralizing, depressing. All because idiots who appoint themselves worthless titles of "Datuk", "Tan Sri" and the like feel the need to maintain their position of power in the country, leeching off the lifelines of every regular citizen who are suffering in poverty and struggling to feed their families. The suicide cases have exceeded 1,000 people, with some victims even having their final moments on Earth recorded and shared onto social networks in order to raise attention. Not a day goes by without me thinking that I might soon add to the ever increasing count of people ending their own lives. No thanks is enough to commend all the friends that I'm able to voice chat with on a daily basis to have a good laugh and to feel some company, despite said company being completely virtual and not physical. I will take what I can get.

 Being trapped at home for months and forced to listen to the parasites that infest the apartment on a daily basis because they are incapable of doing anything for themselves is very painful. Nothing that comes out of either one of their disgusting mouths make any sense. Add them into the pile of equally stupid people on Earth that do not have anything unique to contribute to society. Oddly enough, my headphones are able to cancel out many external sources of noise, but it is unable to cancel out stupidity. It has been two months since I have been able to spend quality time with my mum, given that she and I live separately. She looks extremely different, like she has not had a decent meal in a long time. I feel helpless. I do want to give her the best life I possibly can. However, that fantasy is extremely farfetched given that I am still bound to the culture, rules and money of this disgusting country that I call home - at least for the time being. The grass really will be greener on the other side. There's no redemption, no saving, no salvation to a country overrun by retards who prioritize corrupted money that will amount to nothing at the end of the day. Rich or poor, influential or not, we all die the same way, scumbags. 

I hyped myself up for my Japan trip last year which unfortunately never happened, and my mental health only deteriorated even further. I was able to bring Japan to me by means of e-commerce, but the real thing is still lacking. All the money spent and all the materialistic temporary happiness I indulged in, it diminished rather quickly. I took 2019 for granted. I am positive that the whole world too, took 2019 for granted. Things will never be the same.

I lost my lecturer from university a few weeks back. It absolutely shattered me, and I spent two days crying about it really badly. I do miss him, very much indeed. He was not just a lecturer or a mentor, but a friend that helped me through many things, even advising me at times. At least he is no longer suffering due to his various health complications. If there is a convocation in the future and I am able to properly graduate from university, I dedicate my graduation to you. There are certain individuals that I would absolutely hate to bump into during convocation though...

Seven months of procrastinating since the start of 2021, I have finally been able to take the first step in turning my life around. I sleep earlier now. I surround myself with productivity on a daily basis. I do brief workouts everyday. I watch all the TV shows and movies that I have been putting off for months. I am planning intensively for the next 10 years, as I see myself living in Japan by then. That is my life goal. I will not give up in achieving that goal. I am fine with going through anything and anyone in order to be where I want to be. That is what happiness and success will mean to me in the long term. My life will not revolve around Malaysia. 

I refuse to die here.