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| https://www.ted.com/playlists/505/what_death_can_teach_you_about |
Haven't seen or needed a reason to be back here in a while. But given that this is my public rant space that isn't confined to a limited character amount that Twitter has set and well - nobody uses Facebook anyways, might as well return to the one place where I can talk about my feelings, and then have people share them around and probably laugh at how miserable my life is, behind all the "luxuries" and "I should be thankful" kind of stuff.
Honestly, I shouldn't even be alive right now. I didn't get COVID-19 / Coronavirus, but I threatened to kill myself in front of everyone this past Saturday. You got your good days, your best days, your bad days, and your worst days. That day, was my worst day. I guess I really am too much of a wuss to even attempt to do so, given that I did attempt suicide around seven times back in 2013. I gave that year the nickname of "The Worst Year of my Life". Stellar.
Skip the afternoon activities because it was fun until it wasn't - then it went neutral as I had some quiet time with my friend at a mall and we just talked while keeping each other updated with what we've both been doing for the past three (?) months. Haven't seen him in ages due to the lockdown period that the whole of Malaysia, and the entire world as a matter of fact - subtracting USA because they're dumb. Decided to visit my mum that night to just see how she's doing, even though I was already going to spend some time with her the following day (Sunday).
Sure, maybe my mum does give me a little too much food to take home, almost always on a weekly basis. But it's not all for me. I may be fat, but I don't eat a lot. Big body, small stomach. How did I turn out this way? Eating disorder that I gained during my "The Worst Year of my Life". The food's meant to be shared. Plus, it's something "different" from the standard mediocre stuff that is available in the apartment because the fella living in the opposite building just....doesn't eat anything else. Takeaways are nice, to an extent.
"I need to call your mum up to say "thanks" for the food.", was one of the first few sentences I heard when I reached back, followed by "The food's expensive. We can't finish it, so it's a waste if we have to throw it away." News flash; I finished it. It was wonderful. There's a lot of valid reasons why I just don't talk to anyone in the apartment because we're guaranteed to cross into argument territory, and that night involved a lot of slamming stuff and saying "You can go eat shit for all I care". I'm not apologizing. I didn't start this, so why bother?
Naturally, he'd just run and hide from dealing with any sort of drama - so I will always be in the line of fire. Going off-topic a little; war veterans. They head someplace and fight a battle that really, has no winning line due to the amount of mental trauma that they would face once they've stopped serving. Now, I'm not comparing myself to the men and women who serve, protected and died for their countries all around the world, but my "war" also did take a toll on my mental health as time went on. 1917, amazing war movie. Highly recommended. I'm the messenger, carrying intel from one end to the other and just praying that I don't end up dying along the way. That's how life has been for me over these past couple of years.
My friends can only do so much to help me, and naturally - my "family" either doesn't understand, or just doesn't give a fuck. "As long as it's not me that has to be in that situation, then it's fine...... Oh, you poor boy. You poor soul. I sympathize because this is wrecking your life, but I also don't care" is how I envision a lot of the people in my "family" think. Probably farfetched, but when you single-handedly witness all the hypocrisy and backtalk that goes on here - that might not be a lie that I made up for myself. The truth might not always be the truth, but a lie that you consistently tell yourself can eventually become the truth.
It's weird being in a position where you don't actually have any elders to look up to as a basic role model for your own character development. It's kind of like pressing the "random" selection button on any role-playing video game with a character customization mode and ending up with an alien that has multiple weirdly matching characteristics and a heck load of issues. On one hand, you have a party that can't think for themselves and requires the herd mentality to operate things. On the other hand, you have a party that's just a little too chaotic with their ideals and beliefs that just don't suit your liking. Here's the best part....you have to decide which one you support. It's a lose / lose situation regardless. Which one doesn't drain you mentally? They're both the same as time progresses.
When you drop a plate or a glass and it shatters, you can either just throw the whole thing away or try and gather up the large pieces and attempt at gluing the thing back together. One person decided to just throw away the broken pieces while the other person decided to try and fix it. The one thing that the person who's trying to fix the plate doesn't seem to realize is that, the cracks will always be visible. It's not a complete plate anymore. It never will be. It's tiring to be told that I need that plate back, when I can just work hard and afford a new one for myself. That plate is the current state of my family. Dead, decaying, not salvageable.
Who else can dictate the course of your own life but your own self? If you choose to self isolate yourself with fear, then that's your own course and I don't intend on following. If you choose to fight an unwinnable war that has your back pinned to a wall, then I also don't intend on following you down that path. Decisions are hard to take, because you never know where you would end up at and how the events that unfold would affect you. It's unpredictable, yet majestically beautiful. Placing myself into multiple therapy sessions that primarily focused on me recovering from my breakup with my ex girlfriend also got me talking about my family situation. It was therapeutic, but I hardly find myself returning for the same therapy session because I create mental blockades that convince myself into thinking that "everything is fine". Do I need it more than ever before right now? Perhaps. Only time will tell, and the right company that I surround myself with can become my temporary band aid.
My not-so-crazy holiday trip to Japan is just around the corner. Whether I physically and or mentally stay alive till then to enjoy it is a puzzle that I currently cannot solve. Things can definitely get better, but things won't get better. An interesting paradox.
"Suicide thoughts come and go like a guest to me. But I don't wanna die, just wanna get relief".
One simple verse from a song can speak a thousand sentences that I just can't figure out how to put into words. My life is a blessing, but living is a curse. Will death hold my hand, or the hands of the people I know, or what's left of the positive sanity that I have left, first?
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You either run and hide from your problems, or die trying to fix them.
