2016 is closing in , really quickly. This year has been extremely crazy for myself , and everyone around me. I'll recap on everything so far.
I started the year off by confessing to a girl that I like her , and she was totally cool about that. It wasn't a declaration of the start of a loving relationship or anything , I just needed to get it off my chest. We did chat for a while and all but eventually our own personal lives started to get more hectic so we pretty much cut all communication with each other. We're still friends. Heck , we're cousins.
In March , I received my SPM results. It wasn't very good , but I already had it coming. I didn't put in any effort to even try to study for that thing anyways. Either way , you can still make it in this world without that dumb certificate anyway. Trust me , it works. A piece of paper from your last year of high school doesn't really do much. Well , it might just direct you to whatever course you want to take in college and then get a decent job from whatever degree you've mastered in , but - it's quite irrelevant. I managed to enter Communications in HELP University and I honestly couldn't be happier.
Then it was college life at the end of May. A new start. I was really nervous. Most of the people from high school proceeded to join colleges such as SEGi , Taylors or Sunway. Only a handful of people went to other colleges which weren't really close to home , one of them was myself. Well , HELP isn't really far away from where I live , but it was a completely new environment. I knew no one , and I didn't know what to expect on the first day of orientation. After a while , the people that joined the course in the same semester as I did became the 9 people that I do not want to lose. I made some other friends along the way too. People years in front of me , a few semesters ahead , behind , and people from other departments. Again , I couldn't be happier.
Then I had a mental breakdown. It happened out of nowhere. I didn't know what it was. After a while of rational thinking and everything in between , I figured that I was sidetracked. Not sidetracked as in I had unfinished business or anything to do , but on what I was.
In the past , I've been questioning my sexuality. Heck , I even made a post about it , which was totally unprofessional ~ because well , I was a terrible Blogger back then. I'm not saying that I'm a better one now , but I'm improving with every new post I type out.
I've had private chats with friends , and even used some smart word manipulation to find out if my family members were okay with this. I've not tried it on my mum , but I did on my dad and grandma. And I'll just keep it short here ~ they're homophobic. Perhaps they ( I know my family will be reading this ) might think it's silly and dumb because if you're born a guy ~ you're a guy and if you're born a girl ~ well , you're a girl. And a guy should only be attracted to girls and girls should only be attracted to guys.
Well honestly , that's not how things work anymore. We no longer live in a world where everything is pretty much fixed for you , as if it's just a straight path from where you are right now to where you're attempting to go. There are twists and turns , shortcuts , and many more ways in the "new" world. Maybe some people might find it hard to grasp , but that's reality folks.
Of course I wouldn't share this with my family members , because they might just think that I have mental issues or brain damage or something .... gone wrong. Either way , that's why I don't share things with my family. They're all narrow minded people. I've watched tons of "coming out" videos just to test and see if I'm really "different" - and that's been doing major damage to me mentally and emotionally. I mean , when I went to Koh Lipe just last week , when I was at the beach I was not just checking on the girls , but the guys as well.
And it's not in the way where it could be " man , I really like his physique. I want to look like that " . No , it was more like " I like you " kind of thing. Funny thing is that Thai is popular for tons of transgender people and gay people , which basically adds up to being a huge LGBT country.
No I'm not going to the extent of becoming a Caitlyn Jenner . But I think it would be best for me to be honest to myself , rather than lying about it.
My dad hasn't been there for me when I was growing up , so all I had was pretty much my mum , and tons of girls. Like , tons. I've done it all ~ I've worn makeup , mascara , eyeliner , lipstick , the whole package. No I didn't apply them myself , or was I forced against my will for those to be applied on me , but it just happened. I've always wanted to be mo at one point of my teenage life , and I still do now honestly , but I'm just keeping that intentions buried deep within my heart. I'm not going to go psycho and start piercing myself and getting tattoos and start worshipping Satan or anything . That's being goth , not ego - get your facts straight.
But , things like these came out of pure curiosity. I'm still a guy , a male , and all that but I did embrace my feminine side , and I'm not sure if it did do anything to me on a spiritual level or something , but something did definitely happen.
Yes , I've had moments where I felt like I was trapped. Like , I wasn't meant to be a boy or something. But I went over that stage because I found it a little irrational to jump to conclusions , so I waited patiently and reexamined all the weird possibilities of anything changing.
I've had relationships with girls , I've done that. I'm still sane. But this dark side of me has been lurking around for far too long , and I'm finally settling down. It's not easy , believe me. The pain I went through emotionally , crying myself to sleep , having sleepless nights , being afraid of not just the public but most specifically my family members from accepting the fact that , I'm not who I am. I've talked to both guys and girls about my problem , and they've been supportive.
I'm not to the part where I would marry a guy and settle down with a guy , but that small tinge of a feeling is there. It's there , and it hurts. And I don't want this topic being brought up at all. Especially not at my face. Like , I don't want to be lectured or anything , just read what I have to say and move on. I'm still me , I haven't changed. This is just a side of me that's new. But I'm still me.
I'm not gay , but I'm bisexual .
I only like guys on a 5% scale , perhaps even a 10%. That's not a lot. That's not a lot at all. But it's there. The rest is all me being attracted to females. But yes , the 5 - 10 % is there. It always has for years and years , and will be there for years to come.
Again , I don't want this brought up ..... because I know that my family members would take this the wrong way and start giving me shit because then again ~ homophobic....
But keep in mind , that all this can be taken back. I'm still young and still learning stuff. I have personal issues that only I myself can go up against. My sexual orientation can change , so don't give me shit.
This is also one of the causes of me attempting suicide once upon a time..... so please , I don't want to go down that dark path again.
That was hard to type , not because there was a lot to type , but to step out of the closet and be honest , is hard. I forgot to mention that , I live in an Asian family , so they're probably most definitely gonna give me tons of shit to deal with once they've read this . But in the meantime , I'll just be happy with what took me so long to write , and I'm finally relieved.
Moving on , I visited Koh Lipe last week , and it was an amazing time. I actually wanted to come out while I was at the island , but I was scared. I'm not anymore.
Also , my dad got me a MacBook Pro 2012 non-retina for work purposes so I can finally work on my YouTube and tons more. This Blog post was written and uploaded using the Mac. Pretty sweet. Thanks dad. Sweet Christmas present. :)
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