It's been a week,a week since I posted my last post,a week since I lost my phone,a week since all this shit started,a week since I've decided that I'm better off not caring and not giving a damn.

I have been very patient,so patient that people could just take advantage of me and I just don't seem to notice it coming my direction.

I've been trusting many people,only to have them stating that "everything will be okay" when everything isn't.

I've been believing,believing that God could make things better.

I was wrong.

He doesn't help me.

Never did

Never will

I've had high hopes on things that would just never go my way,nothing as expected.

People are willing to throw down their pride to say sorry.I could too. In fact,I did. Nothing changed.

Things went downhill since Tuesday.

Losing my f*cking rights to my own f*cking phone was one.

Then my computer got f*cked up on the same day.

My mum,no sorry......the person living with me turned into my mortal enemy,permanently.

My friends,feeling sorry for me but secretly,I know....they're laughing behind because I'm such a sore loser.

No f*cking rights.

No f*cking privacy.

No f*cking damn given.

Just recently,things went way downhill.....more like down under now.

My mum....being sick.....thinking that I don't give a damn

Truthfully,I do give a damn....in fact,I give a f*cking f*ck.

Of course I wouldn't want to lose her.

We've never clicked for a long time,probably since Master Yoda died.

Who the f*ck wouldn't care about someone who raised them up?

What the f*ck is she thinking?

If she says that I don't care,so be it. Because I'm tired of caring. 

In fact,she's never actually supported me in ANYTHING.

She's always been like "Just pray to God" - well He's not helping because he's an a$$. I mean,I've had a billion wishes.....a billion possible wishes and not something out of the ordinary like asking Him to give me Superman's powers.

I waited....

For a sound

A voice

Something

I've just wanted happiness,happiness that Justin portrays through his wide smiles.

Perhaps I long for a real family,where things are just perfect,still attached like an unbreakable chain. But the chains shattered. Shattered so hard that it can't be joined back together,no matter what.

Maybe I don't need a chain. Maybe I just need a relationship where I'm not in the middle. A relationship where I'm not the play ball whenever it comes to money issues. I don't want to be the messenger boy any more.

 Like I said before,I've cried so much,so much till I could just fill the Nile River completely.

Disappointment flows through me. Disappointed that why,among the billions of people in the whole f*cking world,why do I feel like I'm hurt the most?!

Yes,some people don't have a proper life,no phones,no computer,no food,no shelter

But why? Why can they still smile? I'm sure the thought of suicide has come into their minds. I'm sure they deserve better.

What about me? I have a computer,a phone, food and shelter,but why am I still not smiling?Am I selfish?Am I greedy?

Yes.

I'm greedy because although the poor have a terrible life,but they're with their family,through thick and thin together. Sharing things,laugh and cry together. Supporting each other no matter what they do.

Me?

The only shit I hear from my mum is "it's not good for you"," too much radiation ","pray to God" "no" "no" "no" "no"

She has a friend named Martha,but we call her "Sister" Martha because she's a nun. 

She once spoke to me in private about my problems. It was the first and the last.

Those words,those words made me hate,hate everything so much that I would go berserk for no reason

" Your real mum doesn't love you,that's why she gave you away"

Oh hell no. 

That's why......why I hate my mum's friends so much.

Hoping for a change is me......a blind me.

Pointless.