How To #12 - Let Go Of Someone You Deeply Love
By Gregory Low - December 09, 2013
My "How To" Guide #12 - Letting Go Of Someone You Deeply Love
Hey Internet,
Everyone goes into relationships and we all have break ups.It hurts,I know.But hey,maybe I could help you :)
Love is so special precisely because it has the ability to hurt us when it fails. Don't take the failure personally. Relationships fail every day, and not always because there isn't enough love to go around. Whatever the reason, learning how to move on from a person you loved deeply is an extremely difficult process, and one that takes time.
Realize that you may still love this person.
If it feels as if you can't let go, it's for a reason. You shared wonderful times with this person, and you gave them a big piece of your conscience and your heart. Now that you've decided to move on, start looking at the person not as you want them to be, but as they truly are.
- If they lie or deceive you or change their mind about their feelings toward you, realize that it's not a healthy relationship for you. You may feel misunderstood and angry. Forgetting this person may be very hard, but that doesn't mean that you can't move on in life.
- Realize, too, that moving on doesn't mean you have to stop loving the person. It just means that your love for them changes. You'll still look out for the person, wish the best for them, and hope they find happiness in life. Moving on doesn't mean you have to forsake them as a person; it just means you have to do better for yourself.
- Believe in yourself. You have so much to offer. Love is often about learning about yourself through others. You'll continue to learn as you grow and as you experience more love. How will your next potential love believe in you if you don't believe it yourself?
Understand that there are other people out there — you just can't see them.
You obviously have been in love with this person so much or so long that it has gotten you to the point where there's no other person in the world but them. Moving on is the hardest part and it can take a long time, but life is too short to live it down in the dumps.
- We'd like to live in a fairy tale world where everything goes exactly according to plan and there's no adversity, but that's not real life. Plenty of people date more than a handful of people in their lives before settling down. That's a handful of opportunities to explore love.
- Try to be optimistic. Look at the glass as being half-full. Think "I'm single now!"instead of "I lost my partner". Think "I get to meet so many new people now"instead of "I lost the person I knew." Being optimistic helps you recover quicker.
This one may be hard because most chances are that the person doesn't know how deeply in love you are (or were) with them. But this is OK. It doesn't mean you're not lovable, or attractive, or captivating. It just means that there's another opportunity to find someone who will love you just as much as you love them.
- If you think that you may have loved the other person more than they loved you, use that as motivation. Think about it: would you rather have someone who loved you less than you loved them, or someone who loved you just as much?
- Don't succumb to the "I might not find anyone better" idea. Don't settle for something that's not working for you. Go out there, believe in your standards, and try to find the person you want. It's better to be independent and happy than it is to be in a relationship with someone you have to settle for at the end of the day.
The ship has already sailed, and it's probably for the best. If the person you love doesn't dignify you with a response, you have to dignify yourself by moving on.
- Talk to someone neutral who has been through the same situation. Maybe a best friend, or a parent, or a mentor. If you have to, go see a therapist. Venting your emotions and thoughts with someone neutral can be naturally healing and can help the 'letting go' process move along.
- Deal with pain in constructive ways. Don't pretend it's not there. Find creative outlets, such as art or communication, to channel your pain into. Try to keep your mind off it most of the time, as fixating on your pain may make it worse.
It's up to you. It's very hard to juggle the friendship of a former lover with your new found independence. Most people think it's easiest to fall into a friendly, but distant, friendship after you've moved on, but only you can decide for yourself.
Take a trip somewhere.
It doesn't have to be fancy — although a trip to Tahiti or India might be nice! — so long as it's a change of scenery with something to keep you busy and make you feel refreshed. Many people think that the change of scenery helps to put things into perspective.
- Interact with the locals. What's the use of going someplace new if you keep to entirely to yourself? Unless you're going camping or on an expedition by yourself, there's no reason why you shouldn't interact, share stories, or just hang out with them. Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: "Do one thing that scares you every day."
- Set aside some "me-time." Start feeling encouraged about being independent. If you can't learn to live with and be happy by yourself, how is another potential lover going to live with and be happy with you?
Your friends and family are there for you unconditionally — use them! When you're feeling down, plan a trip back home or a get-together with a friend. Your friends and family love you just as much as a romantic partner might, only in a different way.
- Confide in your best friend(s) about what's going on. If you're open to being given advice, ask for it. Your best friend sees you in a way that you probably can't, and may give you a really fresh perspective. If nothing else, your best friend will give you an opportunity to express yourself and make you feel valued.
It doesn't sound all that fun, but it's essential. Moving on is all about living in the future, not the past. Take all pictures, notes, movie stubs, stuffed animals, etc., and place them in storage. It will hurt, but then it will feel uplifting.
- Remember that remove doesn't mean destroy. You probably want to hold on to all the mementos. Just as you probably don't want to completely forget the person you loved, you probably don't want to completely forget the relationship you once had. You may even want to look at the mementos once you've completely moved on.
A lot of people decide to start a journal in which to write down their feelings. Whenever you feel inspired, grab a piece of paper and jot down your thoughts. Leave a trail of self-expression so that when you come across it after you've healed, you'll know how strong you needed to be to get through it all.
- How are you feeling? What are you feeling? What might you have felt in a similar situation five years before? What might you feel in a similar situation five years from now? Reflect on what the relationship meant to you, even if you just think it over in your head.
- Self-expression doesn't have to be writing. It can be painting, drawing, dancing, building, sculpting, or running. Whatever it is, put your heart and soul into it, and whatever comes out will be rewarding.
- Many people choose to go on "rebound" dates to make the loss of the loved one easier. If you choose to do this, try to do it for the right reasons: you want to feel affection, your interested in meeting other people, you think you have something to offer. Don't do rebound dating if you're just trying to make the other person jealous; it's not worth it.
- Learn from your mistakes. When you search for a new person to share your love with, don't invite another heartbreak by making the same mistakes all over again. Take the flaws in your past relationship and improve them. Take the flaws in your last partner and look for more maturity in the next one.
- Be yourself. No matter who you meet, be yourself. In order for someone to be loved, they have to give their all to someone else. They have to be willing to accept their flaws, present them to their partner, and know that their partner will accept them too.
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